People hate sending thank you notes. It is a bit of a chore. However, years, months, and days after relationships, situationships, one night stands, friends with benefits, and friends with no benefits where I pined for more, have ended I have to say,
I am not religious. But these folks got me going to church!
If any of those men had worked out, I might be married with kids being too busy as my husband’s wife and children’s mother, that I would probably as so many Black women have, pushed my needs to the rear if I addressed them at all. I was one of those women that would love so hard, that I would lose myself in a man. Latrese would end and I would become some extension of him.
I recently asked my mother about perimenopause and she told me she could not remember the details of her symptoms as her husband, and children, and work, pushed her pain from her mind. That scared me. Being so consumed by the needs and wants of others, her body was not allowed to feel pain.
I have to be honest and know that I would never live abroad if I married some guy from college. The years I spent single in the US had me constantly lowering the bar so much that any fool had a shot. I am so grateful that it never worked out with any of them.
Frfr, not to beat a dead horse, but
Instead I spend lots of times with my dog Duke and friends exploring Rome, and the world. I get to be introspective and meditative. I am at still healing and coming to terms with past hurts and self doubt and have a safe space in which to do this. I have had some spectacular, no strings attached sex, traveled to some wondrous places, mind blowing orgasms, gone on some romantic and over the top dates, and turned down men and opportunities that would not have been an option if I had to worry about feeding children. I get to live incredibly selfish and am currently living abroad. Aside from my dog, I have no real responsibility. I get to workout and study, and party, and have random hook ups or deep cerebral conversations and relationships.
Of course, life can sometimes get lonely, but when I think of all the women I know that are divorced or trying to figure out how to leave a marriage or relationship they hate, or deal as a single parent with unappreciative kids that they secretly resent, I take solace.
I am not bitter, in fact quite the opposite. These are some of the happiest days of my adult life. I see the young cashier that rolls her eyes and sucks her teeth at every customer and imagine her anger comes from loving the wrong man, having his child, working this dead end job, receiving no appreciation for it, and having little joy in her life. I understand her, I feel for her, and I am so glad I am not her.
I have no idea what the future holds. I could get married tomorrow, (probably not) and the kid ship is pulling out of harbor. However, I am so happy that I am single at this stage of life. Free to live selfishly, date on my terms, and enjoy life. So again to all the men that I have loved and liked I have to say…